Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

9. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

10. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

12. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.

13. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas
with some good ideas.

14. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).

15. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?

17. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

18. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run
up to him real quick and hand it to him.

20. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

21. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And
I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

23. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time
I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

26. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its
eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having
a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

29. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks
out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's
like a regular window.

30. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was
not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

31. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.

32. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

34. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra
garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out
too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

35. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your
rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who
the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

36. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.

41. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?
Trust me, it's not.

42. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

49. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure
owed me a lot of money."

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